Why I am starting this blog…
It has been 16 years now since my mother left my step father. Eight years with a man she trusted, loved, honored and laughed with, however only meeting one of his many, versatile masks. I met another. He bought my friends and me cigarettes at the store when we were too young to buy them. He let us drink alcohol and smoke MJ at the house when mom was on her business trips. Under discretion, of course… he was the coolest “dad” out of all of my friends… but was he? Not to me. He was the worst. Together, we made a secret. One we never verbalized, yet there was nothing to be said… for him it would mean risking his marriage and only he and great spirit know what else. For me it would mean many things: others seeing me as dirty, losing my mamma, ruining my mother’s “happy” marriage, being an outcast, not being able to live with myself… and so on. The scariest thing about it all was that for many years, I LIKED it. Yes… we ARE sexual beings, are we not?
I was eight years’ old when I experienced my first orgasm. That is the year my mother married Ted. I was as curious as could be, playing boyfriend games with my Christian elementary girlfriends in the woods after school and at our pajama parties on the weekends.
Ted came into my room three to four nights a week for eight years, “rubbing” my feet. He would guide my hands to touch him and he would touch every part of me. My mother and I talk about this now, looking back and she tells me he was impotent –that was the mask she met. Not the mask I met. He never had that dilemma with me.
My story is as long as I can describe it, as I know each of you who read this could as well describe your many encounters. All the other stories I have heard and seen are intense and different, none the less or worse than another, for I feel suffering is no competition.
My point in sharing this with the world is the following:
I have grown up with so many questions around sexual violence. I have spent my time, up until recently, retching the majority of men, even though I have always known that not all men are the same.
After several interactions with men all over the world, observing various cultures, reading headlines in the media, listening to the experiences of my brothers and sisters and now having a daughter of my own… I know that part of my life’s purpose is to bring this subject out even more so to the open.
My objective is to make a documentary that is without gender and do a profound investigation on sexual violence from a holistic perspective.
*WHAT HAS CAUSED SEX TO BE A TABOO?
*WHAT WAS THE CHILDHOOD LIKE OF THOSE WHO PERFORM THESE FORCEFUL SEXUAL ACTS ON OTHERS?
*WHAT KIND OF EDUCATION OR PARENTING MIGHT PROVOKE A CHILD TO GROW TO ACT THIS WAY?
*WHAT ARE ALL FORMS OF SEXUAL MISTREATMENT?
*WHY ARE WE AFRAID OF SPEAKING OUT ABOUT THIS AND WHAT ARE OUR CONSEQUENCES?
*WHAT KIND OF EFFECT DOES REPRESSING SEX AND EVEN TALKING ABOUT IT HAVE ON SOCIETY AND THE INDIVIDUAL?
*HOW DO WE NOT KNOW WHEN THERE IS SEXUAL ABUSE HAPPENING IN MY FAMILY OR IN MY HOME? AND WHAT CAUSES ME TO REACT OR NOT REACT WHEN I FIND OUT?
*HOW DO WE LEARN TO LIE? TO WEAR SO MANY MASKS SO WELL?
*PORNOGRAPHY, TANTRA, SEXUAL RITUALS, CULTS, CULTURES, INDIGENOUS TRADITIONS, PROSTITUTION…
In today’s medicine, the majority practice allopathy which is the treatment of disease by conventional means, i.e., with drugs having opposite effects to the symptoms. Whereas the holistic approach is characterized by the treatment of the whole person, taking into account mental and social factors, rather than just the physical symptoms of a disease.
This blog is the seed to a documentary. Here I will be sharing my investigations as I go… facts, findings, stories, interviews, etc. And, most importantly, receiving feedback from the readers in whatever shape or form it chooses to come in. This is a universal subject and all comments directed toward a deeper understanding of why this illness continues to manifest on our planet are welcome. Or is it an illness? Is our culture backwards? Is this part of human nature? I AM NOT SAYING IT IS. I am simply asking questions. I woke up one day and it dawned on me that everything I think I know might be a lie. It is now up to me and only me to find my own truth… that is a responsibility each of us hold.
What ever happened to that little eight-year-old girl? I truly miss her. I miss everything that little girl did. And I want to get her back. I want to rescue her and have her shine bright inside me again. And in doing so for myself, I hope others will do the same: men and women.
Let love and compassion reign.